The early days of a relationship often pass in a cloud of bliss. Texts and e-mail messages from friends go unanswered as you lose yourself in someone else. You think about your new special someone constantly, which brings a spring to your step and a blush to your cheeks that everybody seems to notice.
Most of the time, things crumble early on if it’s a bad match – usually right after this blissful stage. We’ve all been there.
You’ve been dating someone for a few weeks, they seem perfect, and then they do something that changes the picture completely.
When Sweet Wine Turns Sour
You should not ignore the red flags, no matter how delightful the relationship might seem at the outset. We expect love to be the source of our sweetest joys. When a relationship turns toxic, however, it’s one of the surest routes to misery.
“While it can be hard to know early on whether a relationship is likely to stand the test of time, we do know that some factors predict greater odds of success and long-term satisfaction,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute in Indiana.
That’s all well and good if you know what those red flags are, of course. So, what are the warning signs you should look out for when you’re starting a new relationship?
1. Abusive Behavior
Sometimes, the person that should provide you with support and protection will outright attack you, instead. This is an unequivocal red flag, according to Lehmiller. The statistics are grim, especially for women.
The US National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that four in 10 women have experienced some form of coercive control in a relationship during their lifetimes. This often leads to violence.
In 2017, the World Health Organization issued a report stating that 38 percent of all female murder victims die at the hands of an intimate partner.
“If you’re with a partner who is abusive to you physically or psychologically, it’s important to get out and get help early on,” says Lehmiller. “While this one might sound obvious, we know that many people end up staying with abusive partners for a range of reasons.”
2. Manipulative Behavior
Love is inconstant and often unfair, refusing to sit perfectly still on the shoulders of two people. But there are limits as to how far it should be allowed to shift its burden to one side on any issue.
Does your new partner demand control over who you can see and what you can do? Does he require access to your internet passwords in order to check up on you?
If so, red flags are practically fluttering in your face. Sometimes, too, a manipulative, controlling person will work to separate you from your friends and family. These are all warning signs.
Research has shown a link between overly-controlling behavior and domestic abuse, which suggests it could also be an early signal of more serious problems down the road.
3. Communication Problems
Studies have shown that communication is one of the most important factors in sexual and relationship satisfaction. Couples who experience communication problems tend to struggle with a range of other issues.
“We all know that open and honest communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship,” says Sharon Martin, a psychologist with a private practice in California. “We also know that it’s one of the toughest parts of being part of a couple.”
That said, communication is a skill. If there are good reasons to stay in the relationship, you and your partner can learn to overcome the problem.
4. Extreme Selfishness and Narcissism
Extreme selfishness and narcissism are also obvious red flags. When someone posts one too many selfies on social media or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, we might rightly call them a narcissist.
Everyone can be a little selfish and self-centered at times, of course. Evolution has permitted a necessary measure of these traits into our DNA. But self-love becomes problematic when it leads to a persistent pattern of selfishness at the expense of one’s partner.
“Related to this is narcissism, or having an overly inflated self-view,” says Lehmiller. “Narcissism is related to being selfish, but it’s also related to more manipulative behavior. People who have narcissistic partners tend to be less happy in their relationships.”
5. You Feel Bad More than Good about Yourself
One of the biggest indications of the viability of a relationship is how your partner makes you feel about yourself after the initial blissful stage has passed. Do you typically feel happy, safe, and comfortable when you’re around your new companion?
Conflict is inevitable in any serious relationship. But we often tend to ignore that we are angry with our partner, and hence become deadened, morose, filled with self-loathing. Or else we lash out and become hurtful ourselves.
Back in the 1970s, scientists discovered that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is usually the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.
There is a very specific ratio. That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five – or more – positive interactions.
“If you find yourself feeling bad more often than you’re feeling good, that’s a sign that it might not be the right relationship,” says Lehmiller.
Rising Above the Fray
These are hardly the only red flags that might emerge during the early phases of a relationship. Some couples will encounter issues concerning a severe lack of trust, insecurity, or unreasonable jealousy, among others.
None of these are sure indications that a new relationship will eventually turn toxic, either. In a typical month, we may be waylaid by – and, in turn, hurl back – dozens of tiny insensitive stones without even realizing it.
You don’t need to be a genius to understand that problems do not get better when they are left unchecked.
That’s why there is something to be said about rising above the fray. Here both Lehmiller and Martin emphasize the importance of reasoned communication.
“Sensitive subjects can be dealt with respectfully and lovingly,” writes Martin in an article for Bustle. “Keep in mind that sometimes the anticipation of difficult conversations is worse than the actual discussion.”
Feature Photo Credit: Wallhere
