Intimacy before sex – or foreplay – is any sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse. On that, we can probably all agree. But can it be better than sex?
Psychologists and researchers suggest a deep social and cultural disconnect between the chemistry of lovemaking and our perception of what constitutes the sexual act.
Apparently, many among us think that intimacy before sex is subordinate to the act of sexual penetration. But equally as many say otherwise.
Can Foreplay Be Better Than Sex?
The reasons behind the contrary views are quite complicated. But the basic premise that psychologists have suggested is that we’ve been taught – by religion, by society, and by certain segments of pop culture – that the reason people have sex is to have babies.
Dissenting views and lifestyles – those that embrace the idea that sex is fun and enjoyable in and of itself – have only recently begun to emerge openly in public discourse.
That is because – while we are an exceptionally daring species when it comes to sex and its enjoyment – people also have typical behaviors. And culture and religion have had a particularly powerful influence over these behaviors, most psychologists agree.
In many ways, we’ve been indoctrinated into accepting that intimacy before sex is just a means toward an end. The real point of sexual pleasure – as the prevailing popular wisdom would have it – is procreation, and nothing else.
But are those sexy, sinfully steamy moments during that long, heart-poundingly torrid dance of intimacy before sex truly of lesser relevance to the sexual experience?
It’s Not All Touchy-Feely
Foreplay is one of those uniquely human experiences that gathers complexity along the way. From courtship and flirting to kissing and touching and getting messy between the sheets – all that is delicious, heart-pounding, intoxicating intimacy before sex.
The activities of intimacy before sex comprise those little wonderful sexy, sparks that ignite our passion and deepen our connections. The quiet chuckling, the private jokes, the glances, the smiles – these all make the sexual encounter a shared experience.
It’s not all touchy-feely, mind you. Foreplay begins long before the physical act of intercourse. It is in those small moments when two people engage each other with emotional depth, psychological arousal, and physical exploration.
Warm, Sweet, and Dirty
“Those warm – or dirty- words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day,” says Moushumi Ghose, a licensed marriage and family therapist who practices in California.
Those moments satisfy not just the body, but also the heart and mind. They are the cornerstones of every relationship.
“Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids, and take them to school and … there is absolutely no time for sex does not mean your day-to-day cannot be gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, or leather and whips if that is what you like,” says Ghose.
That is because the intricacies of foreplay emerge in those sometimes overt, sometimes subtle activities people enjoy doing with each other on a daily basis. It is in all the ways we share ourselves with our partners.
These important moments. Most psychologists and relationship experts agree that people find a sense of security in their relationships in the sexy closeness people enjoy with each other outside the bedroom. For many out there, that’s of superior importance to mere coitus.
“Foreplay is not just about physical touch,” says Melissa Stone, a psychologist who has a practice in Massachusetts. “It’s also about creating a sense of connection and intimacy between partners.”
For example, a dinner conversation – a form of intimacy before sex – has extraordinary powers to excite. Because our neurons are so sensitive to face-to-face engagements, they rapidly activate reward systems in our brains.
If You’re a Woman, “Yes, Oh Yes, Foreplay Can be Better than Sex!”
The intense emotional intimacy during such occasions as a couple’s night out raises eagerness and wanting. It creates an environment of mutual understanding and respect.
These complex, intricately entangled, and minute factors significantly enhance the overall sexual experience.
In fact, for some, penetrative sex doesn’t need to be in the bag if you don’t want it. Great foreplay can be good enough.
“It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm,” says Karola “Doctor Ruth” Westheimer, a psychosexual therapist and professor at New York University.
That’s because for women, intimacy before sex serves a physical and emotional purpose. Foreplay and its accouterments prepare a woman’s mind and body for coitus.
These natural fluids are important for pleasurable intercourse. They are a basic ingredient rather than mere hors d’oeuvres for the main course.
What Faking It Tells Us About the “Shortcomings” of Penetrative Sex
“Blood flows into the clitoris, and in order for a woman to have an orgasm, there must be lubrication in the vagina, but also the clitoris must get erect,” says Doctor Ruth.
The delicious tension that builds between partners during foreplay increases desire and heightens arousal to the point that it can become the highlight of the experience.
For instance, there is an entire industry devoted to encouraging foreplay and the playful lubrication of the vagina. One only needs to consider the thriving industry of edible vaginal lubricants to get an idea as to the significance of foreplay in lovemaking.
Research from the University of Indiana on the details of foreplay among married women has yielded interesting results along these lines.
Only 18 percent of the respondents to the study said that they can reach their orgasm during vaginal intercourse alone. Despite this, however, many of the respondents admitted to faking an orgasm during penetrative intercourse.
Yet over one-third of the women reported they preferred clitoral stimulation – a form of intimacy before sex – to achieve orgasm.
Intimacy Before Sex is a Steamy Mind Game … Even When the Touching Begins
When it is done right, intimacy before sex sets the stage for arousal by engaging the mind. It involves teasing, anticipation, and the thrill of exploration, stimulating the imagination and igniting desire. It’s the steamiest, sexiest, and most explosive kind of mind-game there is.
Of course, foreplay also involves a myriad of tactile and sensual activities beyond oral stimulation.
It encompasses kissing, caressing, massage, playful touching, and exploring erogenous zones across the body. And don’t ignore our visual sense. Humans are very visual animals!
These activities engage nerve endings, releasing hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which contribute to feelings of pleasure, bonding, and satisfaction.
The physical sensations experienced during foreplay often set the tone for a more satisfying sexual experience.
This engagement plays a crucial role in intensifying pleasure during the entire sexual encounter.
Foreplay Strengthens Bonds Beyond the Bedpost
The shared feeling of mounting lust, craving, and longing that two people create during moments of intimacy before sex conjures a close bond.
This connection between partners allows them to match their desires and build a more profound understanding of each other’s needs.
Scientists even have a kind of map of the zones of desire in women during those exquisite moments of intimacy before sex. And unlike actual vaginal intercourse, it involves just about every part of a woman that men usually find sexy.
“As a general overview, anywhere that a t-shirt and shorts covers is basically erogenous, and whatever underwear covers is especially arousing to touch,” says Jeremy Nicholson, a psychologist who regularly contributes to Psychology Today.
“In the progression of touching then, you touch these zones after establishing affectionate contact at the love and intimacy level.”
Intimacy Before Sex Creates Stronger Relationships, According to Research.
Good foreplay not only creates heightened pleasure in the bed, but the experience of intimacy before sex also works on the entire relationship. It’s good for the heart.
Foreplay reveals you to your partner in the most poignant and arousing manner possible. This helps couples kindle their romance throughout their partnerships.
“Telling your partner about your sexual interests can be challenging, but it’s important to have open and honest communication in any relationship,” says Charlotte Johnson, sex and relationships expert at Mega Pleasure.
“If your partner is not initially comfortable with your interests, it’s important to be open to compromise and find a middle ground that works for both of you.”
In a study conducted by researchers from Arizona State University in 2009, 52 adults were randomly assigned to two groups.
One group was instructed to increase the frequency of kissing their partners for six weeks. The other group maintained their usual foreplay routine.
Following the trial period, the group that increased intimacy before sex exhibited lower cholesterol levels and reported reduced stress.
These same couples also reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction compared to the group that didn’t alter foreplay habits.
“Butterflies to the Stomach, a Tingle to the Spine and Yes … Maybe Even to Down There.”
Pleasure is highly subjective and varies from person to person. What feels extremely pleasurable for one individual during foreplay might not be the same for another.
Even though, for many of us, foreplay is as much a part of the sexual experience as penetrative sex, there’s subtle pressure – from culture, religion, and our upbringing – to believe otherwise.
Rather than an experience that is just as – and often more – significant to a relationship than coitus, its place in the order becomes an “issue” to take sides on.
Wrapping Up: Foreplay is an All-Encompassing Bundle.
True, pleasure is highly subjective. What feels extremely pleasurable for one individual during foreplay might not be the same for another.
But the fact is that connection and intimacy, both emotional and physical, are nurtured through foreplay. After all, sex is not solely about reaching a destination but relishing the journey together.
“I’d like to suggest that things like kissing, oral sex, manual stimulation are actually a part of sexual interaction, sex, and sexual foreplay and turn your attention to another type of foreplay,” says Ghose.
“I will call it intimate foreplay and it is made up of all the sweet, sexy, romantic, loving things throughout our days, our weeks and our relationships that make us passionate and loving towards our partners on a regular basis,” she says.
The connection established during those moments of intimacy before sex builds a bridge between partners.
They allow people to develop relationships filled with tenderness and premised on trust and mutual exploration.
This closeness sets the stage for a more satisfying and meaningful sexual experience. It is those secret moments of breathless longing and anticipation that heighten our overall satisfaction and fulfillment.
Can those moments be more pleasurable than sex itself? We certainly think so.
What do you think?
