Culture and society shape our views on sex and gender roles more than most people realize.
That’s why, in our hopelessly phallocentric, male-dominated world, many assume that it is a woman’s role to sell sex, and a man’s ‘privilege’ to buy it.
But soon, nobody will get away with such a distinction.
Over the past few years, researchers have observed a growing demographic of women who are willing to pay for sex.
In some parts of the world, in fact, Janes are becoming just as common as Johns.
Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, says it’s difficult to estimate precisely how many women pay for sex.
Not everyone is willing to admit to this behavior. Some women may not look at their own behavior through the peephole of prostitution at all.
“The latter may partly stem from the fact that many women view prostitution as inherently exploitative when men are buying from women,” says Lehmiller.
“Yet they don’t consider it exploitative when women are the buyers because they perceive a more equal power exchange in such cases.”
“Any way you look at it, however, there are certainly many women who buy sex.”
Why Women Buy Sex
The question, of course, is why. That question also stems from the phallocentric assumption that men want sex all the time whereas women don’t.
But with sex available on tap for free just about everywhere, why would a woman pay for sex?
The most obvious reason – the pursuit of pleasure – is a major motivation, but it’s not the only one, say experts.
Women also seek the services of sex workers to learn about their bodies, to deal with stress or trauma, or to experiment in an environment they consider safe.
Lucy is one of them. She is in her twenties. She is a travel agent from Gloucestershire, a county famous for its iconic cathedral and postcard-pretty docks, in South-West England.
Lucy has been with her girlfriend for 18 months. She is pretty, smart, and articulate, and like many women, she’s had a deep desire to be spanked throughout her adult life.
Her fantasies are very detailed. She’s had years to develop them, carefully shaping the scene in her head.
Despite experimentation with various partners, however, she has never quite recreated her fantasy as it plays out in her mind.
She has tried many times but has always found reality lacking the thrill and gratification offered by her imagination, she says.
“What I was looking for was structured disciplinary spankings,” she tells the I-Newsletter.
“For whatever reason I also felt the need to be spanked by an older male authority figure, I guess maybe returning to the ‘old-fashioned’ perception of spanking.”
Safety and Empowerment
While being spanked is an incredibly common fantasy, it’s not an easy one to live out. The levels of trust required are considerable.
Many women describe feelings of shame around this same secret daydream. Others baulk at the difficulty of inviting a partner into their private fantasy life, and the idea of not quite getting it ‘right’ if they did.
What makes Lucy a little different is that she sought the help of a professional male dominant, with whom she discussed the details of her reveries. Four years later, she is still happily seeing her dominant with the full support of her long-term partner.
“I think there are lots of worries about dating regarding physical sex and safety, but also emotional safety – will you be rejected, or will you be laughed at or belittled,” says Hilary Caldwell, a visiting fellow from the University of New South Wales.
“So, negotiating these services with somebody who has this [sex worker] experience seems safer.”
Caldwell is the author of the first major study into women buying sex in Australia. She says the increasing numbers of women who pay for sex reflects an increase in women who feel “more empowered to do things their way.”
The women who participated in Caldwell’s study were between the ages of 18 and 69 when they had bought sex. They used the services of both male and female sex workers.
“Definitely on the Rise”
Gala Vanting, the president of the Scarlet Alliance Australian Sex Workers Association, says female clients in the sex industry are “definitely on the rise.”
She offers several reasons for why that might be. These include an increase in “economic mobility for women,” increasingly tolerant views toward sex work, and the wider availability of sex workers who provide services to women.
The dark-haired, bespectacled sex worker also believes many women are attracted to the idea that they can try things out in a private, formal setting.
“I think that female clients are looking for spaces where they can safely, and within a sort of container of consent, navigate their own desires,” says Vanting.
She points out that sexual experimentation can be difficult in a current relationship, where there are expectations surrounding sexual roles and practices.
Regina understands full well what she means. The 37-year-old has been married for 12 years. She and her husband decided to fulfil their fantasies at the Love Ranch brothel while on holiday in Las Vegas.
She vividly recalls how both she and her husband were so nervous beforehand they almost didn’t go through with it.
But she is glad they did.
Regina says both she and her husband found the experience meaningful, even transformative.
“Having that fantasy, being able to experience it, having a partner that understands and helps you achieve it, is amazing,” she says.
Reclaiming Something Lost
That said, some women reported initially feeling nervous and afraid about buying sex. Quite a few admitted going as far as to institute safety plans, such as having a security backup for their first encounter.
However, about half said that they would “unconditionally recommend” buying sex to a close friend.
In a separate study of female sex tourists, none used “prostitution” to describe the sexual encounters they had with local men in exchange for money. Instead, many characterized their interactions as “romance.”
Jane, 67, a divorcee, has spent the past 10 years holidaying in West Africa. She loves the climate and the people there. She especially loves the men.
“They are so wonderfully flattering,” she says. “They make you feel like a real woman. I don’t mind paying for their drinks and meals if they stay the night.”
Seani Love, a London-based, straight male escort specializing in Tantra and kink, says he understands why.
He says his clients – who are all women in their thirties and forties – simply want to reclaim something that feels lost to them.
He says he’s learned how much women have been socialized to please men. The act of paying to be touched in the way they want to be touched can be liberating for them, he says.
“Many women have never received erotic contact purely for their own pleasure and so visiting a sex worker can be a major milestone on the path to reclaiming their right to receiving erotic pleasure,” Love says.
What’s your story? Have you paid for sex? If not, are you thinking about doing so now? Why not share your thoughts and experiences when reviewing this article?
