If you know a woman who claims never to have let her mind wander during sex, tell her she is missing the point.
To be clear, the female orgasm is still something of a mystery: nobody is really sure how it is caused or why. Gradually, however, scientists have been uncovering the real secrets to an explosive sex life and, apparently, for women, it’s all in the mind.
Of course, this is not a new insight. In 2014, researchers from the University of Louvain found that women who have ‘erotic thoughts’ during intercourse were more likely to have regular orgasms.
Similarly, a study in 2011 found a link between women who have difficulty climaxing and their inability to think no-holds-barred, wild-and-sexy thoughts during sex.
What Women Think About
Women are wired differently than men. That became clear some years back, when researchers began experimenting with brain imaging equipment to investigate what goes on inside a woman’s brain during sex.
“The pleasure centers of the brain associated with orgasm light up in women who think themselves to orgasm in exactly the same way as in women who orgasm through more conventional means,” says Dr Barry Komisaruk, co-author of The Science of Orgasm.
So, what do women think about when they’re masturbating or having sex? What thoughts flood their minds when they climax? Below are four revealing highlights from the findings of recent studies.
1. ‘Kinky’ sex fantasies get women in the mood.
Fifty-four percent of women enjoy immersing themselves in a sexual fantasy to get themselves in the mood, compared to just 44 percent of men. This according to a study commissioned by TENGA, a Japanese company that manufactures sexual wellness products.
The results of a separate study in the US says the most common fantasies are having sex with multiple people and sex with a famous person.
Other female fantasies curl deeper into the kink – much deeper, according to TV presenter Cherry Healey and writer Lisa Williams in a report for Stylist.
This is especially true when women masturbate.
“Some women think about having sex with animals, others think about sex with faceless strangers,” say Healey and Williams. “Then there’s rape, domination, gender-bending and lots of same-sex encounters.”
(Photo: Halayek/Freepik)
2. She just might be thinking about someone else.
In a survey of 1,300 people, researchers commissioned by sex toy company Lovehoney found that more women think about other people during sex than men do.
While 46 percent of women admitted to thinking about people other than their partner at the moment, only 42 percent of men said the same.
Often, a woman will fantasize about doing it with a close friend or a co-worker rather than with her husband or boyfriend.
Relationship therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw is quick to point out that this isn’t something for which a woman should feel guilty.
“Maybe you haven’t created a sexual narrative with your current partner yet, and you might just need more time getting to know your partner sexually,” says Earnshaw.
The therapist says women do not need to let their partners know they sometimes think about former lovers during sex. “Instead, it’s more important to try to get at the root of why you were thinking of them,” says Earnshaw.
3. Women would watch porn, too, if only …
Fantasies and other people were closely followed by pornography. Some 35 percent of the female respondents to the TENGA survey said they “view adult content” as part of their masturbation routine.
Interestingly, the survey found that men are twice as likely to watch porn when they masturbate. Sixty-six percent of the male respondents to the survey said they watched porn when they masturbate.
Sex educator Shan Boodram attributes the difference to a cultural bias in a marketplace geared for men.
Porn producers simply aren’t making movies that women want to watch.
“If you have a penis, hate foreplay, don’t care for toys, approach the clitoris like a third nipple and love over-the-top sounds, mainstream porn is great,” says Boodram. “For everyone else, there’s much to be desired.”
That said, the percentage of women who consume porn has increased over the past few years. In 2016 and 2017, only around 26 percent of women worldwide watched porn.
By 2018, that figure had jumped to 29 percent, according to research commissioned by Pornhub.
Across the board, women’s top search inquiries are “lesbian,” or lesbian-related. This has become especially true in recent years, says Pornhub.
4. Women get really turned on by erotic literature.
Men might watch porn more than women, but women certainly read more erotica.
Around 15 percent of the women surveyed by TENGA said they masturbated to erotic stories. Only nine percent of the male respondents said the same.
This should come as no surprise as women dominate the scene. They are not only the predominant readers of erotica but they also claim the lion’s share of authors.
Publishers spent around $11 billion on erotic literature written by women in 2011 alone.
A survey of female writers of erotica says that women are ready to push boundaries when it comes to erotic fiction.
Almost half of the authors responding to Emmanuelle’s survey mentioned some degree of discontent with formulaic, restrictive expectations, and publishing rules.
“Much of what passes for erotica today feels stale, too often reflecting romance tropes,” says writer Nya Rawlands. “I’m interested in how an individual changes under conditions of denial or when personal and other boundaries are smashed.”
The Secret to a Mind-Blowing Orgasm
Many women find sex to be the deepest expression of love and connection. Many more are sexually-oriented, and while the male orgasm might be quicker, the female orgasm is often more powerful. Women are also capable of a consecutive series of mind-blowing peaks.
That’s because for women, sex begins and ends in the mind.
For women, it’s not so much about so much about physical stimulation as it is about permitting their imaginations to flow as they enjoy what’s happening in reality.
Throw love into that heaving, quivering mix and you have the recipe for a thunderous, back-clawing climax.
“For her, it’s the fantasizing, remembering, and imagining hot sex that revs her engine,” says sex therapist Laurie Watson for Psychology Today.
“So, in times of infatuation or falling in love – when she is constantly thinking about being together – her sexual appetite is high, and arousal is easy.”
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