For many, the past months would have been the season of nature’s recompence. In better times, we would have relished the warming temperatures, the arrival of migrating birds, the soft light that lingers into the soft, warm, purple evening.
We would have been outdoors, enjoying it all. But not this year.
Cultural revolutions are often born in times of repression – out of a need for equilibrium during moments when the scales are tipped far too deep to one side.
The moral straight-jacket of 1950s America gave rise to the free love movement of the 60s, a counterculture in which sexuality was celebrated rather than rebuked.
Some of us saw how AIDS ended that revolution. Now we are seeing the novel coronavirus galvanize a new sexual revolt – one framed against the confines of social distancing, quarantine, and face masks.
(Photo: Ric Manning/Wikimedia Commons)
Misconceptions and Missed Opportunities
When the most terrifying variable is in the breath of other human beings, we turn to the technologies at our disposal to bridge the lonely divide. We communicate – and fornicate – by any means available.
Or at least, we try.
But things are changing, and they are changing fast.
In a time when quarantine is the rule rather than the exception, people are having to reinvent what sex looks like. And, as with all new territory, questions and misconceptions abound.
“The biggest thing I’ve learnt?” muses journalist Kellie Scott of ABC Life, who investigated the sexual climate among women in the wake of the pandemic. “A lot of us aren’t satisfied with our sex life – but think most other people are.”
Scott’s observation makes us wonder how such a misconception could exist nowadays, when practically everyone sacrifices a great deal of privacy to social media.
Apparently, some things never change.
In fact, in a time when Zoom has replaced hotel rooms and sexting is considered foreplay, many of our false beliefs belong to a bygone era.
Below are some of the most persistent misconceptions about sex that still plague women all over the world today.
1. “Everyone is having more sex than me.”
There is delicious irony in the fact that, as we have revolutionized communications, much of what we say to each other has lapsed into mere babble.
“People tend to ‘talk it up’ when they are talking about sex,” says sexologist Tanya Koens. “Who goes down to the pub and brags about the bad sex they’ve had?”
Koens isn’t alone in her opinion. Sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis not only agrees, but says people will sometimes embellish their sexual exploits.
Exchanges about sex are often insincere, with many emphasizing quantity over quality, says the Melbourne, Australia based therapist.
There is even a study that says people will sometimes measure their sex life against those of their neighbors.
By this accounting, if a woman has more sex than the housewife next door, then she can assume her sex life is better. After all, the luckiest lady in the neighborhood is the one who gets laid the most, right?
Not necessarily, say Koens and Mourikis. The fact is, unlike – say – one’s bowel movement, no standard determines how often you and your partner should knock boots.
That measure simply doesn’t exist, according to the two experts.
“Sometimes they are having a bit more, or less, depending on what’s going on,” says Mourikis. “It’s never really constant for everyone.”
None of the fallacies about quantity are corrected by societal expectations: our sex education growing up, or how sex is portrayed in the media and porn.
That said, if we shifted the conversation from frequency to pleasure, we might learn something.
2. “I have a low libido compared to my friends.”
While many women measure the quality of their sex life on how often they have sex, others worry about their sex drive.
Despite the lack of any scientific proof of its existence, longstanding rumors of a “normal” libido persist.
Still too many people buy into this notion and assume that if they’re anywhere outside that illusory spectrum, something’s wrong.
Again, the experts say otherwise. The plain truth of it, they say, is that the libido isn’t something that requires an increase or decrease if you’re already content with what you have.
You may want a lot of sex. You may want some now and then. Or you may not want to have sex at all. People are diverse and have different needs, explains Koens.
“I had this couple come in and see me once,” recounts the New South Wales counsellor. “They said ‘We need to have more sex.’ So, I said which one wants to have more – as it’s usually the case that one is pushing for it.”
Koens says the couple admitted that neither of them actually wanted to have more sex.
“They were having sex once a year, and when we spoke about it, they realized they were happy with that,” says Koens. “Who says you need to have more sex?”
3. “My partner should just know what I want in bed.”
Many women assume sexual confidence is about being a wildcat in bed. In reality, however, a big part of it is about the ability to articulate your desires, and listen to those of your partner.
In fact, the most common issue Koens sees is clients not “having the language for sex.”
The reason? Many women worry too much…
What if I’m judged? What if I seem weird? What if my partner tells someone else about this? What if my partner breaks up with me?
These worries contribute to a silence that only serves to worsen an already frustrating situation.
“If you want to change something about your sexual experiences, you need to communicate,” says Koens.
The sexologist says that pushing through the awkwardness can lead to conversations that teach you about each other. This subsequently leads to better sexual experiences.
4. “I don’t find sex pleasurable.”
In an article for ABC Life, Scott reveals what many men may have suspected all along:
“For a lot of women I’ve spoken to, sex is a bit of a chore,” says Scott. “They’re too tired and busy to make time for it, and when they do, it’s not pleasurable.”
Sex and relationship therapist Stephen Snyder says many men will simply greet their partner’s unavailability with a shrug of the shoulders and go do something else.
“That defeats the whole purpose,” says Snyder. “Then they’re surprised that the woman is angry or frustrated.”
Orgasms have become a particularly difficult objective. In such cases, Koens suggests enjoying the journey and focusing less on the destination, or trying new ways to experience arousal, like erotic literature.
Scott recommends that women take matters into their own hands, so to speak. “One way we can close the ‘orgasm gap’ is by exploring our own bodies with masturbation to discover what feels good,” says Scott.
Snyder concurs, observing how men and women seem to approach the problem differently. “As a sex therapist, when a straight couple comes to see me because they aren’t having sex, the male partner is almost always still regularly masturbating,” he says. “Often the woman has stopped masturbating, or does it only rarely.”
(Illustration: Gare De Sad/Wikimedia Commons)
Communication is Essential
Ultimately, sex is about communication. Whether you engage in sex through a camera, by text messaging, or face-to-face, a candid and sincere exchange is essential. Sharing one’s desires and vulnerabilities with one’s partner creates a connection that strengthens the relationship.
Years from now, sociologists and psychologists will come up with all sorts of theories as to how these hard times have changed our behaviors.
Until then, let’s take a page from the free love era and remember that all we have is each other and that’s just fine.
“We’re all erotic snowflakes,” says Koens. “We’re all different.”
