In a poll conducted earlier in the decade, Gallup found that 91 percent of people considered extramarital infidelity morally wrong.
That’s a telling indictment.
The figure says that more people find adultery objectionable than human cloning and suicide!
Perhaps what is even more significant, however, are the underlying social implications revealed by the survey.
For many, infidelity highlights the fragility of what a vast majority of people see as the basic foundations of human society: marriage and family.
But despite the blunt belief in the immorality of cheating, a significant number of marriages throughout the world will see at least one incidence of infidelity during its course.
In fact, a study published by the Marriage and Divorce journal says 70 percent of all Americans have engaged in some kind of affair during their marital life.
Why People Cheat on their Spouses
The staggering infidelity statistics in the US and elsewhere have led many researchers to question why married people choose to cheat in the first place.
Over the years, the results of their studies have revealed that the reasons for infidelity are as varied and as nuanced as the marriages themselves.
Some studies have found that spouses who lack traits such as agreeableness and conscientiousness are more likely to be unfaithful.
The same is true for those who demonstrate higher neurotic and narcissistic traits.
Other studies find infidelity is more likely to occur among people who hold more liberal views about sex.
Still other important factors relate to people’s commitment to their partner and sexual satisfaction. People either felt their marriage wasn’t sexually satisfying or they wished to have more sex than they were having.
Those who scored high on these measures appear more likely to have an affair, says one 2012 survey.
Infidelity and Divorce
Be that as it may, most experts agree that marital infidelity usually indicates some kind of breakdown – sexual, emotional, or otherwise – within the marriage.
Without the necessary skills to address the issues, a partner may engage in an affair as an ill-equipped way of attempting to have their needs fulfilled, says Gery Karantzas, an associate professor in social psychology and relationship science at Australia’s Deakin University.
Interestingly, however, psychologists and relationship experts say cheating itself is seldom to blame for divorce. True, infidelity has been a strong and consistent predictor for divorce in the past, and studies naturally show a higher incidence of infidelity among divorced individuals.
But while a large body of research confirms the correlation, more recent analyses have shown that the connection is unlikely to indicate an actual cause.
“When I see couples divorce after an affair, it’s not usually because of the infidelity itself,” says Caroline Madden, a Burbank, California-based marriage therapist who specializes in affair recovery.
“The betrayed spouse simply gave up trying when their husband or wife continued to be selfish, shady, and untrustworthy.”
The Push and Pull Factors
Paul Amato, a retired sociology professor at Pennsylvania State University, suspects that marriages end in divorce because couples often fail to accept the realities of an already troubled union.
Spurned spouses tend to report infidelity as the cause of the divorce. Those who cheated recognize that his or her affair was just the last death knell for an already waning marriage.
The retired professor conducted one of the largest studies on the subject. His research followed the marriages of 1,475 people over the course of 17 years.
What was striking about the results of the study was what very happy and very unhappy marriages had in common. That is, people rarely cheated for the sake of cheating.
“People in absolutely terrible marriages don’t engage in infidelity, either,” says Amato. “They don’t need to find new partners. Things are so bad they get out quickly. The bad marriage itself is the push factor.”
Usually, however, people who’ve been enduring long-term, moderately unhappy marriages need another person to hedge their bets on leaving.
When one spouse finds this third party, the rest of the relationship falls apart quickly. “The new partner is the pull factor,” Amato says.
Recovering from Infidelity
Despite the discouraging statistics, however, there is hope for couples who want to rebuild their marriages after infidelity. Since cheating itself isn’t usually the cause of divorce, a healthy marriage can recover from the loss of trust.
One of the main impediments, according to family therapist Carrie Krawiec, is the social stigma of taking back the guilty party.
“I find people really struggle with this long-held belief that they must leave, or people will judge them if they don’t leave,” Krawiec says. “But the truth is many people stay.”
Ultimately, however, the aggrieved spouse has the final say in whether or not an affair is grounds to end the marriage, says Madden. And here, honesty and openness come into play.
Both perform an important function in helping a spurned partner get over the humiliation of being deceived, according to the marriage therapist.
“Be willing to do whatever your spouse needs to feel more secure in the relationship, whether it’s sharing information about cell phones, texts, Facebook posts or credit card bills,” says Madden.
This total honesty might include sharing detailed information about one’s whereabouts whenever needed, as well, says Karantzas.
“If one is serious about mending their existing relationship, then disclosure is necessary, along with seeking professional guidance to support the couple through the turbulent period towards recovery,” says the Deakin University relationship expert.
