If you’ve been in a long-term relationship you’ve probably hit some intimacy gaps. It may seem that ‘the spark’ just isn’t there anymore but you can light that flame again. Here are X ways to kickstart it again.
Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner
Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.
Physically touch in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex
When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?
Stop making your partner “wrong”
My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticize our partners non-stop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?
You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your meat-loving nature!”
A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.
You can also ask questions!
Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”
Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.
Choose curiosity over judgment
Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”
Bonus relationship hack
Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate – so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.
There’s an old joke I love: A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some petrol, whereupon the wife recognizes the attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a petrol station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”
Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviours that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. A few new pieces of lingerie won’t hurt either as they will boost your self-esteem while adding extra anticipation for what is coming! Remember, your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.
give a rose – unexpected act of kindness
Write down the three most memorable things that first attracted you to your partner
Plan a night ‘out’ at home… without the kids
