Every young girl wants a ‘forever’ prince, right? Isn’t that what we learn from a very young age?
Find the prince – or have him find you, get married and live happily ever-after?
That might make for a good fairytale, but the reality is very different. Finding the prince is the easy part. It’s staying enthused about the relationship that’s the hard part!
Despite being taught for thousands of years that they are born to be monogamous, it is women, more than men, who tend to feel stultified by long-term monogamy.
Citing recent research, psychiatrist Elisabeth Gordon says women disproportionately register lower sexual desire than their male partners after just one year in a monogamous relationship!
“The complaint has historically been attributed to a lower baseline libido for women, but that explanation conveniently ignores that women regularly start relationships equally as excited for sex,” says Gordon.
Sex in Long-Term Partnerships
Of course, many women want monogamy. Marriage and loving, committed relationships are ideal arrangements – and countless societies sanction them.
But wanting monogamy is definitely not the same as feeling desire in a long-term monogamous partnership.
Women in enduring partnerships need to see – or do – something new in order to maintain their libidos. This explains why couples who engage in the most acts of sexual novelty are the most sexually satisfied. They keep the spark alive in their relationships longer than most.
Below are four ways women can spice-up their long-term relationships.
1. Express your sexual fantasies.
People tend to repress sexual fantasies that make them uncomfortable. Paradoxically, trying not to think about a sex fantasy only makes you think about it even more, according to research.
So, instead of suppressing those sexual thoughts that make you ashamed or embarrassed, you need to acknowledge and come to terms with them.
Chances are the things you fantasize about are the same fantasies that everyone else is dreaming about, too.
Once you realize that, you can think about sharing – and maybe even acting – on some of those fantasies with your partner.
2. Avoid falling into a routine.
Human beings need novelty when it comes to sex. We grow bored with sexual routines.
Research shows that sexual arousal tends to flounder after repeated exposure to the same sexual stimulus over time.
For example, scientists have found that people who watch the same porn clip every day for a week become less aroused with each passing day.
There are many ways to ignite the imagination in the bedroom. Consider getting some sexy underwear or lingerie – the sexier and more risqué, the better.
Or why not try a new sex position, go on a date night, or watch pornography together? You can also play a sexy game, give each other erotic massages, or introduce sex toys into the mix.
3. Stay in the moment.
No matter what goes on in your head, if you aren’t in the moment, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter difficulties staying aroused. Many people run into difficulties when they try to let go of distractions these days.
Some people find themselves thinking about work or other stressful situations. Some even worry whether they’re good at sex while they’re doing it.
If you’re someone who tends to bring the day’s challenges to bed, you’ll be glad to know that there are a number of ways around the problem. Believe it or not, BDSM activities might help.
Scientists have found that sadomasochistic acts produce altered states of consciousness, including feelings of heightened fascination.
If you are not into kink, you can try a bit of mindfulness training and meditation. Mindfulness is based on Buddhist traditions and meditation techniques involving present-moment awareness.
Of course, you’ll need practice to learn how to focus your attention even remotely like a Buddhist monk. But that kind of calm, breathing mindfulness has been shown to help with a range of sexual difficulties.
4. Focus on quality, not frequency.
Many are under the misconception that they’d be happier if they were having more sex. The results of scientific research do not support this notion at all.
In fact, one study found that when couples tried to double the amount of sex they were having, they ended up less happy than those who stuck to their typical frequency.
“Our research suggests that couples do not need to aim to engage in sex as frequently as possible but instead aim to maintain a connection with their partner,” said study lead author Amy Muise, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto Mississauga.
That means the worst thing you can do is to set arbitrary limits on how much sex you and your partner should be having.
Instead, concentrate on making sure that you’re having good sex rather than a specific, predetermined amount of it.
More is good, say researchers, but quality beats quantity all the time.
Staying Together Might Just Be Better
The truth is that it takes years to get really good at sex. That kind of devotion quite clearly implies an enduring relationship. A few highly-regarded studies have even found that the best sex occurs between couples who have been together for 15 years or longer.
“When you’re young you may have loads of sexual energy, and your body responds as you hope, but be prepared for the fact that this might not always be the case,” says relationship therapist Mike Lousada.
“If you have a loving, supportive partner at your side, you have the ability to face what life brings you – and find a way around the problems.”
What’s your story? How do you keep your relationship exciting? Why not share your experiences with us via the comments box below?
