Most cultures – and almost all people – believe that engaging in an extramarital affair is wrong. Of course, there are open marriages where partners agree that extramarital relationships are acceptable and even welcomed. But even those relationships can break down when one or the other partner, or a third party, feel threatened.
Despite the risks inherent in adultery, it’s very common for people in committed relationships to fall into the arms of someone else. In fact, the 2018 US General Social Survey (GSS) says that 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women surveyed admitted to having one or more extramarital affairs.
In raw numbers, that suggests that up to one-third of all marriages have been impacted by adultery. However, since it is probable that both partners in some relationships have had an affair, the real proportion is more likely around 25 percent.
Is Cheating an Evolutionary Instinct?
Not long ago, scientists from the University of Melbourne discovered that swans, those beloved symbols of fidelity and everlasting love, have chronic philanderers among their numbers.
DNA testing has shown that one in six cygnets is the product of an illicit encounter. The scientists suggest that wayward female swans are driven by an evolutionary impulse to infidelity. That is, they want to ensure the fitness of their offspring by seeking out the superior genes of another mating partner.
Other scientific research has found the same to be true for other species we once esteemed as paragons of sexual fidelity. Mourning doves, prairie voles, and shingle back skinks have all been proven guilty of licentious behavior.
For writers of anniversary greeting cards, and for anyone else seeking a precedent in nature for the age-old human experiment in monogamy, few animals remain. These include black vultures, owl monkeys, and California mice.
But what about humans? We’ve always known humans to be bad at being faithful. The question is, why? Are there evolutionary impulses at work behind our increasingly licentious behavior, as well?
The extramarital affair motivations differ in men and women
Quite a few experts attribute the recent rise in adulterous behavior among men and women to the fact that modern life has increased and democratized the opportunities for sex outside of marriage.
Some old assumptions are still holding true, though. A cursory glance at the figures gathered by in the 2018 GSS will tell you that husbands are still more likely to commit adultery than wives.
The male myth
Why? Evolutionary theory and gender differences – even media myth and cultural expectations – encourage us to believe that men have more sexual desire than women.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says this may be because men experience sex differently from women. “For women, it is more about the anticipation and how you get there,” she says. “It is the longing that is the fuel for desire. Women’s desire is more layered on emotion.”
“For women, it is more about the anticipation and how you get there. It is the longing that is the fuel for desire. Women’s desire is more layered on emotion.”
Esther Perel – Psychotherapist
Despite the problems of definition and the vague statistics, most experts – among them marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly – agree with Perel.
“Women tell me, ‘I was lonely, not connected, I didn’t feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'” says Reilly. “They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again.”
Why do husbands and wives cheat?
The writer, Anthony Burgess, once described adultery as the “most creative of sins.” That description may have been spot on in the 1960s, when Burgess was in his prime.
The writer, Anthony Burgess, once described extramarital affairs as the “most creative of sins.” His description may have been accurate a few decades back. But But the rise of social media has made the once timeless observation hopelessly outdated. Thanks to Facebook and Tinder, among others – engineering a tryst requires significantly less ingenuity today than it did in the 1960s, when Burgess was in his prime.
Just a swipe to the right…
A simple swipe to the right, a little kiss emoji here, and a few red hearts over there may be enough to get even the most socially maladroit a roll in the hay.
Then, of course, there is the office – those quiet, carpeted dens of daily provocation and moral turpitude! Women, whose adulterous options were once limited by domesticity and dependence, have joined the world’s workforce. And, in the office, countless working wives have found new vistas of romantic temptation.
But does the ubiquitous presence of low-hanging, bright red, forbidden apples explain why people choose to eat them? Not really, say the social sciences.
Every extramarital affair is different, and so are their reasons.
Up until recently, the standard assumption was that an affair is a symptom of some pathology on the part of the unfaithful spouse. Today, psychologists have adopted a more nuanced approach.
Many professional psychologists cite traumatic childhood events and mental health issues, along with a range of other underlying reasons, for extra-marital affairs.
These same experts explain that a variety of childhood experiences may hinder a person’s ability to preserve a loving relationship. These may include a broken family or parental abuse and neglect.
In rare instances, the unfaithful partner is unaware of the hurtful consequences of the affair, has no empathy, or just isn’t concerned with his or her spouse’s need for monogamy.
Cheaters have been allowed a say in the public discourse surrounding infidelity, too. Often, they cite unresolved issues within the relationship. Some cheaters even go so far as to say they regret getting married in the first place.
Wayward spouses have also reported feeling envious of the attention their partners show their children and were unable to express their feelings effectively. Rather than resolving the problem, they escape emotionally into an affair.
Below are just a few of the real reasons why married spouses engage in extramarital affairs, according to family therapists, psychologists, and other experts.
Couples are disconnected from each other
Emotional disconnection is common in marriages today. Millions of couples throughout the world continue to live together in divided homes. Work, busy schedules, bills, unmet emotional needs, and babies come along to drag time and attention away from the marriage.
For many couples, enduring this avalanche of pressure day-in and day-out makes that feeling of closeness and connection harder to maintain. In fact, the difficulty is such that some spouses are driven to extramarital affairs as a strategy of self-preservation.
“Some people protect themselves with detachment,” says psychotherapist and author, Kathy McCoy. “They stop caring or don’t expect anything from their partner.”
Unhappy marriage
Many couples experience emotional and sexual dissatisfaction in their marriages. Both can drive a husband or wife to seek an extramarital affair.
“While communication is the most frequently mentioned issue in troubled marriages, inevitably I find a diminished sexual relationship at the center of most troubled marriages,” says the psychologist and writer, Kallman Heller.
Marriage is a continuous work in progress – and without the effort of both husband and wife, the marital partnership grows apart. Inevitably, one or both people in the marriage will seek sex outside the marriage.
Falling out of love
The act or feeling of falling out of love in a long-time relationship is more common than you think. Sometimes, the feeling of affection fades and spouses drift toward indifference. This is a frightening proposition as husband and wife start to realize that they may lose the relationship.
In 2020, the Journal of Sex Research published a study on the adulterous motivations of some 545 members of the infidelity website, Ashley Madison.com.
When asked about their reasons for seeking an extramarital affair, many of the respondents reported that they had “fallen out of love” with their spouses.
The unappreciated feeling
Feeling neglected and unappreciated in a relationship can be painful – and is often indicative of something amiss in a marriage.
“If I had to describe an emotionally neglectful marriage in one word, it would probably be ‘lonely’,” says psychologist Jonnis Webb. “It’s as if you have someone right beside you, yet they are a thousand miles away emotionally.”
While every situation is different, a spouse who feels he or she is not important or believes a connection has been lost in the marriage, will sometimes seek validation by having an extramarital affair.
The income differential…
A similar scenario may arise when one spouse earns more than the other.
“The classic understanding of the power differential in couples is … the person with more money in the relationship has the power,” says Marlin Potash, a psychotherapist who specializes in family and money issues. “The person who earns less can end up feeling their wishes and needs aren’t as important and don’t matter as much.”
The aging process has affected a partner’s appearance and physique.
This is often the case for men who date younger women. In 2020, researchers at the Association for Psychological Science conducted a large-scale replication study that examined mate preferences across 45 countries.
The researchers found that most men placed a higher emphasis on appearance when it came to choosing a partner. This might mean that, as wives get older and lose their youthful looks, those husbands who tend to give in to unruly sexual desires are more likely to seek fulfilment elsewhere.
Cheating swans…
Scientists have posited a rather interesting theory about this stereotyped male behavior – and it likens male adulterers to wayward female swans!
Like swans, primitive humans selected mates based on reproductive success. Our ancestors viewed female characteristics like youth, symmetrical bone structure, and wide hips as signs of overall health and vitality, which would ensure the survival of the species.
So, could older married men who have extramarital affairs with younger women be acting on an evolutionary instinct, just like wayward female swans? Well, at least some experts seem to think so.
“Men initially had more privileges, and so it was not unheard of taking a younger partner to take care of, and on the other hand, a young woman leaving home was being taken care of both financially and socially,” says Stephanie Juliano, a licensed professional clinical counselor.
How do we avoid extramarital affairs?
The fact that we have an assortment of complex reasons to break our marriage vows is not an argument, per se, for giving up on those vows. Humans kill and rape one another with alarming frequency, but we continue to insist that our laws against rape and murder are a good idea.
Decades of administering to adulterers and their devastated spouses have convinced Perel that we need “a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about infidelity” to understand the whole range of possible reasons why a spouse might engage in an extramarital affair.
Once we understand each of those reasons, then we can move on to an intelligent discussion of how we can avoid the heartache and despair of broken vows.
So, how do we avoid the possibility of an extramarital affair in our own partnerships?
Communication and Trust
Communication and trust go hand-in-hand. There’s less chance of cheating if both parties communicate openly. Communication will give you both a better chance to talk more about anything, including your issues and problems.
Communication can help couples to analyze and understand each other’s feelings. Daily talks, sending sweet text messages, and simply saying “I love you” can improve communication and trust in a relationship.
Let your partner know that you trust him or her. This will usually provide a motivation for your partner not to break your trust, which reduces the chances of your spouse seeking an extramarital affair.
Appreciation and Support
Most of the time, people can be inconsiderate of their spouses’ emotions. We each have our own characters and mood swings that, if not handled well, may hurt our partner’s feelings and create a negative atmosphere in the home.
Negativity in marriage can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, pessimism, discontent, and hyper-intensity. Coping with these behaviours and attitudes can wear a spouse down.
That’s why relationship experts often advise couples in a troubled marriage to talk about their worries openly and without judgement.
Criticism – the ultimate passion-killer…
“Criticism in a relationship is a behavior that can be toxic to the couple,” says relationship coach Jessica Higgins. “It erodes away positive feelings over time and leads to other problematic behaviors that can destroy the connection.”
Don’t expect too much of your partner, either. Often, a couple’s oversized expectations of what marriage can and should provide – never-ending excitement, sexual bliss, financial security, among others – can leave them ill-prepared to cope with the unavoidable frustrations of the long haul.
We all feel a need to be appreciated. When this need is met, we are more likely to want to stay committed to our partners
Time and Effort
If your sex life has begun to feel like a chore, then you have some reason to worry. Boredom just might encourage your partner to have a fling that doesn’t include you.
Boredom is the reason why 71 percent of men and 49 percent of women succumbed to sexual temptation, according to the results of a 2011 survey conducted by the Normal Bar.
“Boredom that meets opportunity for adventure and excitement often leads to cheating,” says Susan Winter, a relationship expert who works with couples in New York City. “Sometimes, cheating is not a conscious directive. It’s happenstance, and all the factors just come to the surface.”
Have regular ‘date nights’
If you want to feel the freshness of new love for a longer period of time, why not make date night part of the spice that keeps things exciting?
Couples who build date nights into their relationships experience better communication, greater affection, and gratitude for each other.
The date night experience reinforces the idea that the partners are taking the relationship seriously. They are willing to invest time and effort in it.
Another major perk? Date night leads to more shared time. This, in turn, produces higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
Falling out of love
What do you think? Are you worried that your partner might engage in an extramarital affair?
Falling in love is easy. But ensuring that the love is sustained takes some work. A relationship devoid of true love tends to crumble like a pack of cards. If you want your partnership to be an enduring delight, you have to work towards that goal day by day.
Be the initiator
Don’t be afraid to initiate sex. In most relationships there will be one partner who is more likely to initiate sex. But that can leave that partner feeling unloved or undesirable. Worse, it can lead to a fear of rejection because he or she may become reluctant to initiate sex feeling that they are imposing or forcing the situation!
Look the part!
Captivate his or her attention. Wearing the right clothes and looking good is the easiest way to mesmerise your spouse.
Maintaining your grooming habits, wearing flattering clothes, keeping your hairstyle attractive, and wearing perfume occasionally, will help, too.
Keep the relationship on fire
When a couple feels comfortable in their relationship, they will inevitably be more intimate with each other. You can build that intimacy with a little extra thought and effort…go on a date regularly, flirt with with each other, seduce him/her when no one is around. You’re more desirable when you flirt with him/her, so in return, your partner will be less likely to be looking for intimacy via an extramarital affair.
Bedroom lingerie
Dress to tease and tempt! Humans are a very visual species. Wear visually exciting lingerie. And we aren’t just referring to women here. Men need to step up. Jocks might be fine for gardening, but they are not going to light up your partner’s imagination. Try something like these instead:
Try new things to keep boredom from overrunning your relationship. Going on an adventurous trip, going out of town, traveling to new places together, and even a simple date night can make your relationship healthier and more exciting.
Share your deepest fantasies! There is no ‘bad’ or ‘shameful’ fantasy. Some fantasies will stay that way forever but you might just find your secrets delight and excite your partner. Be adventurous. As long as there is true consent between you – and an inviolate ‘stop’ word, you can only win by exploring each others deep desires.
Wrapping it up…
“‘Til death do us part” is a difficult proposition, and there are countless complicated factors behind extramarital affairs. But the antidotes are surprisingly simple.
Ultimately, meaningful communication, emotional consideration, forgiveness, and commitment on both sides all work against infidelity and help to keep a marriage strong.
