We know this scene. A man and a woman are having sex. The woman is up against a wall, or they are in a bed, in a car, in the shower, or on a countertop. They may be upright, the man’s trousers bunched around his ankles. They may be horizontal, too, beneath an open window, under sheets, clothed or unclothed. The woman might be on top, or on her back, or she may be bent over a table.
None of that matters. The outcome will always be the same. Within a minute or so, the man and woman will crest an orgasm – and they will achieve it at the same time. The exact moment will be discernable, sparkling, and spectacular.
Hands will clutch fistfuls of the sheet; fingernails will be drawn across naked skin. There will be moans and expressions of pleasure. Then perhaps, the woman will have another and another and another.
This scene is familiar to most of us because it has been enacted and re-enacted ever since cinematic depictions of sex were allowed onscreen. But it is all fiction, and any husband who communicates openly with his wife knows it.
Myths, Misconceptions, and Fallacies
That’s not to say that women can’t have multiple orgasms. They can, of course. But when they do, it is unlikely to be because of a man’s penis and thrusting – and that’s if they achieve orgasm at all.
The female orgasm is “a variable, transient peak sensation of intense pleasure, creating an altered state of consciousness,” according to a study published by the Kinsey Institute. That much is known.
But delve any deeper into the science of the female orgasm and you’ll soon find yourself in a vacuum. Male-dominated scientific norms mean that much about the female orgasm remains misunderstood. And – as always when knowledge is lacking – many harmful myths persist.
Below are five fallacies about the female orgasm that require a thorough debunking.
1. Women who can’t orgasm suffer from psychological problems.
While trauma, relationship issues, and poor mental health can sometimes make it impossible for a woman to orgasm, many women with healthy sexual attitudes still have difficulties. The female orgasm is both a physical and psychological response, and numerous health and relationship problems can make it more difficult to enjoy sex in this way.
“Only 10 percent of women easily climax,” says Dr. Holly Thacker, director of the Cleveland Clinic Center for Specialized Women’s Health. “Most women are in the remaining 80 to 90 percent.”
Dr. Thacker cites several reasons why so many women struggle to orgasm. These include relationship issues, medical problems such as diabetes and hypertension, a lack of exercise, smoking, drinking, and sleep disorders.
2. Vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms.
Self-appointed – and mostly male – experts of the female orgasm have long told women that they must climax from heterosexual intercourse. The notion is largely attributed to Sigmund Freud, who suggested in 1905 that vaginal orgasms are somehow superior to their clitoral counterparts.
No scientific evidence supports any of these claims. In fact, most women can only orgasm from clitoral and other non-vaginal stimulation.
Researchers who surveyed 2,000 women about their orgasms for a 2017 study found that only 18 percent said they could orgasm from penetration alone. Some 37 percent of the respondents said they needed clitoral stimulation to climax.
3. Women need to be in love to achieve climax.
The female orgasm is a complex psychological and biological experience, and reaching and experiencing orgasm is not the same for every woman. Some women may need to feel love to orgasm, while others may not.
That said, researchers at Geneva University in Switzerland and the University of California, Santa Barbara, have found that women who are in deeply love achieve orgasm more frequently. They are also often quicker to reach an elevated stage of sexual arousal.
“When women feel love, they may feel greater sexual agency because they not only trust their partners but because they feel that it is OK to have sex when love is present,” says Penn State sociologist Beth Montemurro.
4. There is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm.
While vaginal orgasms are less common than those achieved through clitoral stimulation, some women experience them — with or without other stimulation. However, not everyone orgasms from the same type of stimulation.
Some women enjoy vaginal penetration with fingers – and gain considerable sexual pleasure as a result. Other women prefer to be touched, kissed, use a vibrator, or receive oral sex. In other words, wherever and however she achieves an orgasm, there’s no right or wrong way to be a woman.
To suggest that women must achieve vaginal orgasm with a man and are dysfunctional if they don’t is the most damaging consequence of this ‘Freudian slip.’
5. You can tell when a woman fakes it.
Apart from a research setting, there is no way to tell with any certainty if a woman has had an orgasm without asking her. However, if you’ve just had intercourse with a woman and feel the need to ask, chances are she did not. But then she is likely to say otherwise.
Depending on the study, one-third to two-thirds of women say they’ve faked an orgasm at least once. University of Kansas researchers surveyed 101 female college students. Some 67 percent of the respondents admitted to faking an orgasm.
In Finland, scientists surveyed 1,421 adult Finnish women. The results of their survey indicate that 34 percent of the women had pretended to climax during sex at least once.
Humanity has witnessed a breathtaking explosion of scientific progress over the past 100 years. Yet we are still very much in a black hole when it comes to the female orgasm. Scientists are still debating what triggers it, what it does, and what biological purpose it serves, if any.
Do we really care to know about these things? Maybe we should. Maybe in knowing we will learn how to close the orgasm gap a little more. That is a goal worthy of our concerted efforts, for sure.
In the meantime, however, perhaps it’s enough to know that an orgasm feels good, and that women deserve to experience it more often than they do now.
