Maybe you’re already there. Maybe you’re just curious and willing to find out if it’s for you. Maybe you’re just fascinated to think that some people like to hurt and humiliate while others like to be hurt and humiliated.

Then there’s the big question of boundaries – from both sides. How much pain (or humiliation) is enough to excite and stimulate? When does pain become, well, just pain? The rules of engagement have to be cast in stone because when two people play this game, their thresholds are guaranteed to be different.

Is BDSM aberrant behaviour?

Many people still consider BDSM activities to be a form of mental illness – an excuse for the dominant partner to abuse and belittle his or her submissive partner. They view couples who engage in sadomasochism as being in unhealthy relationships. While I would never suggest that abusive relationships do exist, by definition, such relationships ignore one very important factor… consent! Consent is the defining difference between a healthy BDSM liaison or relationship and an abusive one.

Thanks to the sexual revolution that’s accelerated acceptance of many things over the past 50 years, BDSM is now considered by many to be an exciting recreational activity. Professionals in the psychological well-being field recognize that BDSM can be associated with better personal comfort and satisfaction. That’s because BDSM concentrates on mutual and beneficial sex activity.

First and foremost, BDSM is not a form of maltreatment or inhumanity. These activities do not involve hurting without consent. Trauma isn’t the goal; it’s about finding ways to satisfy you and your partner’s sexuality in exciting rough play but in a safe way.

What is BDSM?

It’s the abbreviation for bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, and submission & masochism. Also known as sadomasochism, it covers a selection of scenarios and roles. Not surprisingly, sex is the most common goal of these scenarios, but others do not include sex. For some couples, it’s all about energy and spirituality they experience from their sessions.

In any BDSM session, there is a dominant and a submissive. The scene is controlled by the dom (on the top) and the sub (on the bottom) will obediently follow the dom. The husband might play the dom role, while the wife plays the submissive role. On another occasion, they might switch roles – after all, revenge is said to be sweet!

It may take some time to learn which role is best suited for you, but it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that both you and your partner enjoy the activity together. Let’s take a look at the various forms BDSM and sadomasochism take…

Bondage and Discipline.

Bondage is to physically control your partner by tying him or her up. This might involve using handcuffs, rope, plain cloth, velvet cuffs or any equipment that is safe. Discipline is to enforce obedience and to give punishment when rules aren’t followed. Spanking is probably the most common form of punishment.

Domination and Submission.

Dominance is the power to control the scene. Submission is to be forced to obey the dominant.

Sadism and Masochism.

Sadism is the practice of causing hurt, pain, or shame to others as a way of obtaining enjoyment, particularly sexual satisfaction. Masochism is the act of obtaining sexual satisfaction from being physically hurt and humiliated by the dominant.

Below is a link to a video presentation that can further help you understand BDSM.

Why are people into BDSM?

Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Social Desire…”, conducted a survey of Americans, and the results showed that, while some people do seek out submissive relationships, this assumption may not be as prevalent as you might think.

It appears, however, that some people visualize BDSM as a way to run away from themselves or their usual daily life. In Justin Lehmiller’s book, he declared that BDSM and playing specific roles may be an act of illusion, fantasy, or a temporary escape. 

Furthermore, lovers are attracted to the adventure of more intense sex. The exchanging of power and the thrill of the chase that BDSM offers are far more enjoyable to couples who need or want to spice up their relationships.

BDSM is believed by many to facilitate mutual compatibility, that is beneficial to your intimate relationships or married life. As a lover, people can feel more competent thru engaging in a BDSM activity, with the use of their psychological and physical skills – always with the consent of their partner. 

People enjoy BDSM for several reasons. Some people enjoy the sense of liberty a BDSM session can offer. Some are craving sadomasochistic erotic activities. Most BDSM participants are everyday people just like you and me. They don’t wear a badge or a uniform. According to Dr. Lehmiller, in his survey, most couples were curious about BDSM experiences, and half of them have tried it.

Is your partner into BDSM?

OK, so you’re keen to experiment but how will you know if your partner is also willing to try a BDSM experience? The first step and most effective strategy to encourage your sweetheart to try BDSM with you is when he or she is already aroused and wanting to have sex with you. When a person is stimulated or horny, this will increase the chances to try new sexual activities, such as BDSM.

One step at a time..

Start with light and easy activities. A soft(ish) spanking technique is a good place to start. It’s something you may have even already tried but been hestitant about. Now’s the time to up the ante a little. Gauge the response and ask for permission if you want to go further.

If you get a positive response, paddles, whips, bondage or other exotic tools and techniques can be suggested and introduced in future BDSM sessions with your partner. Don’t rush. Grow into the experience as each of you learn your limits. This approach will build confidence and a feelings of trust and security with your partner and encourage them to experiment further.

The all important ‘safe word’!

In the rush of excitement, both you and your partner run the risk of pushing to hard. You both need to decide on a ‘safe word’ that means – in absolute concrete terms – ENOUGH! It’s usually, the sub who needs to use the safe word when they become physically or emotionally uncomfortable. Consider using ‘green’ to encourage an increase in tempo and ‘red’ for stop. They are easy to remember and are not words that you would usually associate with any form of love-making.

Is BDSM safe for the submissive?

To play it safe, always remember the importance of ‘consent’. There are some BDSM rules that you should both familiarise yourselves with. The summary is as follows:

• Recognise that there is risk involved
• Engrave that ‘safe word’ into your very being
• Never play while under the influence of alcohol or drugs
• Communicate, communicate, communicate!
• Be patient, open and sensitive to your partner’s feedback
• Know how to properly and safely use any aids involved (floggers, ropes, gags etc)
• Be prepared if an unintended injury happens
• Incorporate lots of loving aftercare

These rules must be communicated, discussed and agreed on ahead of time.

Always do any BDSM activity with someone you know and trust. That will ensure that when things reach a point where you become physically or emotionally uncomfortable, a good partner (the dominant) will know when to stop and how to care for you. Physical and emotional safety and care are critical roles that the dominant partner must give to the submissive.

As a submissive:

• Never let yourself be bound on the neck, don’t be bound with silk,
• Avoid any thing or activity that could draw blood,
• Never allow the use of unsterilized sex toys and/or implements could spread infectious diseases,
• Be absolutely clear on which parts of your body floggers, paddles and whips can be used.

Remember, just ‘play it safe’. And, just a ‘heads up’, porn is probably the worst place you can visit to study BDSM. Many of those submissives have not given consent!

Below is a video presentation that can further help you perform a safe BDSM.

What to do after a BDSM session?

After your BDSM session, there can be an experience of sub-drop for submissives and dom-drop for dominants. These conditions are caused by subspace, a state of disconnection from your body in which you do not feel the full effect of pain. This where aftercare is so important. It’s the responsibility of each partner, especially the dominant, to take care of the other. Aftercare usually focuses on the emotional and physical well-being of the sub but the dom – especially if they are new to the role – may also need your attention.

Examples of aftercare are a simple warm blanket, cuddling, watching a great movie together, and having a meal or drinks. Aftercare extends past the immediate engagement. You should also check on him/her the next day and again after a few days. A simple gesture such as sharing a coffee will help. Communication is always important in every relationship. 

What to add to your next BDSM session?

There are many props and tools available to add to your BDSM scenes. These include sex toys, BDSM-safe equipment and appropriate erotic lingerie. You might even consider a role playing outfit. Whatever works for you.

Wrapping it up…

Allowing yourself to make mistakes is one of the beauties of sexual experimentation. Sex, like life, is a journey. There’s nothing to fear as long as you’re with someone you trust when you explore these fantasies. Just make sure that both of you are happy after the activity, so that the next BDSM session can be even more exciting!

Ready to experiement? Already there? Why not share your thoughts?