Sex – or, more properly, the lack of it – might just be every other couple’s sordid secret at one point or another. While you may have not anticipated it when you first met, it was bound to happen. Suddenly, that sexy sizzle in your relationship goes away, and now there are even evenings when you and your partner hardly look at each other.
It’s not that you don’t love each other anymore. You still do. But you both know something vital slipped away while your backs were turned.
If you’ve lost that frisky feeling, you’re not alone. Experts estimate that some 40 million men and women in the United States alone have sexless marriages or married couples that are not having sex.
The way by which researchers measure “sexlessness” is brutally forthright. These people – all of whom are still married and living with their spouses – have sex with their partners less than 10 times each year, according to some surveys.
Even more alarming, an increasing number of couples are joining the ranks of those in sexless unions. Research shows that nearly a third of women and 15 percent of men, that are not having sex, say they have lost the desire to have sex regularly.
Why You’re Not Having Sex Anymore
By now, most reasonably-informed adults know that sex is good for overall health. Regular sex lowers the risk of heart disease and boosts the immune system. It can also satisfy all sorts of emotional needs and help partners stay close, says Anita H. Clayton, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Virginia.
Understanding why you’re going through a rut may help you solve the problem, according to experts. Below are the top five reasons you’re not having sex anymore, as well as expert-approved tips on what you can do to remedy the situation.
1. Your bed is crowded with the wrong technology.
We’ve all heard it said again and again. The bed should be used for sex and sleep only. So, why do so many of us insist on bringing laptops, magazines, and Netflix into the boudoir? Why have we chosen to defile this once sacrosanct crib with such a confused jumble of wires and screens?
That much technology and distraction can cause insomnia. Of course, it will also put an ice-cold damper on your sex life.
Even the most enthusiastic partner will find it harder to initiate sex if you’re hiding behind a newspaper or glued to the TV or the internet. Technology is one of the hindrances why couples are not having sex.
For this reason, Clayton suggests that couples declare the bed a no-technology zone – except, of course, for those technologies meant to enhance sex.
She says troubled couples should also give sex the priority it deserves. “If you have to schedule sex like you do a meeting, do it,” she says.
2. Medication has sapped your libido.
The irony of it is undeniable. You start taking oral contraceptives (OCs) so you can have worry-free sex. Then the little pills start sapping your sex drive. How does something like this happen?
Doctor-prescribed OCs contain estrogen, which increases the production of a protein called sex-hormone-binding globulin (SHBG), says Dr. Michael Krychman of Newport Beach, California.
If you are currently taking OCs, Krychman suggests that you and your partner try contraceptive methods that do not use hormones, such as condoms, diaphragms, and IUDs.
Krychman, the medical director of sexual medicine at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach, says SHBG can trap testosterone, affecting your sex drive which results in not having sex. He says medication to reduce blood pressure, anxiety, acid reflux, and depression might also have the same side effect for women not having sex.
Otherwise, consult your physician about the possible side effects of any medication you might be taking.
3. You are busy, distracted, and exhausted.
The qualities demanded of us during sex are in direct opposition to those which we employ in conducting the majority of our other daily activities. Often enough, while we are too bogged down with child-rearing, cooking, working, and worrying about the mortgage, our sex lives quietly slip into a coma.
Besides utter exhaustion, the chronic stresses of modern life can also trigger a cascade of hormonal changes that muddle your body’s sexual response cycle.
Changing registers can be difficult, and with spontaneous sex almost out of the question, you’ll need sustained “life management” to change things, experts say.
How? You can shift gears with a soothing bath, says Los Angeles–based sex therapist Linda De Villers.
“Plunging into warm water takes you away from the laptops and cell phones that clog up your day,” says De Villers, who teaches courses on human sexuality at several California campuses. “Add a few drops of ylang-ylang essential oil. The aroma is thought to heighten sexual feelings.”
4. You’ve become insecure about your body.
There is something paradoxical about the fact that children are created by sex – but have a nasty habit of also killing off the sex drive. Many women find themselves withdrawing – or unwilling to experiment sexually – if they’re overweight or have a change in shape due to pregnancy.
“Women have a talent for disliking the very things about themselves that other people find very attractive,” De Villers says. “Feel free to ask him what he likes about your body. His compliments can help you feel more positive.”
That said, don’t underestimate the confidence that comes with shedding some pounds, either. Some 37 percent of the respondents to a recent survey said losing weight makes them feel sexy. Research shows that even a five-pound weight loss can jump-start the sex drive.
5. You have entered the perimenopausal stage.
Decreasing estrogen levels in women who are about to undergo menopause can lead to physiological changes that can make sex seem about as appealing as a dead toenail. Sensitive vaginal tissues become less lubricated, and the ensuing dryness leads to pain for women.
While you might be the kind that does not mind a little hurting during sex, few people find that kind of dry, scraping discomfort sexy. The hot flashes don’t help, either. If this is the case, consult your physician about hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which may lessen menopausal symptoms.
If pain has become a problem and you are worried about the risks involved in HRT, new research shows an estrogen cream or suppository may ease dryness. You might also try lubricants, too.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
The temptation to panic, to feel bad about faltering sex life, can be overwhelming. Not having sex is often a painful secret, but only because people always imagine there’s something wrong with them when it happens.
The fact is there will come a time in any relationship when ordering breakfast together becomes more the point of a sexy weekend rather than sex.
Then, of course, there are all those couples out there who have given up altogether. He’s downstairs in front of his flickering computer. She’s upstairs watching Netflix in bed. In other words, they are both having sex under the same roof, just not necessarily in the same room.
While we may not want to be that couple, we’ll all have to arrive at a compromise at some point if we stay together long enough.
Or we can try to find enough time, enough love and passion on special, magical evenings, to keep on merrily bonking despite what time and the surveys say.
