People are strange about sex. Despite being one of the most intimate among human activities, we surround it with a powerful assortment of socially-sanctioned notions to codify its conduct and conversation. These restrictive cultural canons teach us little about the subject, though.
If anything, the need to regulate and control public discourse about sex only proves that we are almost all haunted by disruptive sexual desires, biases, and neuroses.
The result is all too often ignorance on a scale worthy of the world’s poorly-organized educational systems. In truth, few of us know anything at all about sex beyond what our own bodies and passions teach us.
Time and again, however, science emerges to reveal more about the voluptuous charms of sexual intercourse than is readily revealed by our tangled limbs and soft giggling.
The statistics can be particularly thought-provoking. What numbers are normal and at what juncture do we cross the threshold into sexual deviance? How often? How much?
These mysteries are so titillating, so profoundly compelling, we seem to seek answers as soon as our bodies permit.
While research shows that most people lose their virginity during their teenage years, the frequency jumps to around 80 times a year for people in their 20s.
Is there such a thing as too much, then? Experts coyly propose that anything within reason is acceptable. But if your passions and fetishes take over your days, lead you to sneak around, or have become a distraction, then it’s likely time to seek professional help.
In 2004, adult actress Lisa Sparks set a new world record for having sex with 919 men during the annual World Gang Bang Championship in Poland.
We are unsure as to whether the bubbly Ms. Sparks has sought professional help. What we do know is that she completed the remarkable stunt over a span of 12 hours.
That’s worth mentioning here only because the length of time we are able to – and should – enjoy intercourse is a matter of some debate.
The average therapist will tell us that three to seven minutes is adequate. But the average woman says it takes her no less than 13 minutes and 25 seconds of vaginal intercourse to reach orgasm.
In the time it takes her to climax, a woman enjoying vigorous sex would have burned roughly 67.5 calories at 5 calories per minute. The same would hold more or less true for her male partner if he lasts through the romp.
That’s a tall order for those who suffer from any sort of performance handicap. Everything from drugs – prescription or otherwise – and hormones to health concerns can affect the libido, according to recent research.
You might adjust your diet, exercise a bit more or find a few natural aphrodisiacs right in your kitchen, though. Science shows that bananas, avocados, and chocolate can help put you in the mood.
Over time, however, women are more likely to lose their sex drive while men more or less retain theirs. “So, if you – or your partner – feel off your game, take a moment to consider what factors could be at play,” advises their therapist.
Would a little porn help? Some 70 percent of men watch pornography. Some 33 percent of women are likely to join them as they watch. But then research says men usually prefer to watch their porn alone.
Might that simply be the case because their partners are menstruating? Research says there’s no urgent need to halt sexual activity during a woman’s menstrual period.
Period sex can be a bit messy – but science says it is actually safe. Having sex while a woman is menstruating can actually offer advantages, say, scientists, including relief from menstrual cramps, increased sex drive, and a shorter menstrual period.
But you should watch out for sexually-transmitted infections and, yes, pregnancy, as well.
Still, if the thought of period sex or the possibility of raising a child doesn’t appeal to you, then masturbation might teach you what does.
“Touching yourself will teach you where you prefer more or less pressure, what angles you like, and more,” says Tara Struyk, sex educator and co-founder of Kinkly.
Granted, those are not discoveries most people would declare openly. That’s because the same cultural doctrines that regulate public discourse about sex have quite predictably taught us to eschew any open discussions about masturbation.
That, too, is quite unfortunate. Because, drawing as it does from the same mental faculties that produce great art, few creative activities can match the positive self-image that masturbation might help build.
This makes the altogether pleasurable activity of sexual self-care doubly beneficial. You’ll need a positive self-image to nurture long-term, loving relationships.
Does the skeptic in you require proof? More than half the respondents to one recent scientific survey said sex helped them forge a stronger emotional bond with their partners.
The higher levels of affection between two people, in turn, tend to increase the frequency of their sexual intercourse .
Of course, some health conditions complicate frequent intimate relationships. They don’t have to put a full stop to one’s sex life, though. Remember, there’s no shame in seeking professional help to get the pleasure you deserve.
That is crucial because mindfulness performs an important function in sexual satisfaction, as well. Research indicates that a healthy dose of slap-and-tickle can boost your recall skills. The same mental faculties you use for masturbation are at work during sex, after all.
More to the point, one recent study found that fooling around in the evening can make you more engaged in your job the next day.
Feeling anxious about tomorrow’s presentation, nevertheless? There’s an orgasm for that, too. Sex will help reduce the effects of stress on blood pressure even as it regulates the stress signals firing in your brain.
Obviously, what is good for the mind and the heart is good for the body, and sex does – in fact – bolster infection-fighting antibodies. Now, can you think of a more enjoyable way to ward off the common cold? Probably not.
That’s at least partly why researchers associate the regular use of vibrators with overall good health. And if using a vibrator leads to orgasm, then you are more likely to enjoy better-quality slumber, too.
Quality matters, of course – and regular exercise helps. Women who habitually enjoy high-quality sex also observe a more regular menstrual flow says recent research.
This is all admittedly a lot to digest in one sitting – especially since you cannot raise any of it with any real candor in polite conversation.
But then most of what we are as sexual beings is impossible to communicate to anyone else without fear that we’ll somehow fall in their estimation.
Even lovers intuitively hesitate to share more than just a fraction of their desires out of dread, sometimes well-founded, of causing unbearable revulsion in their partners.
Perhaps, then, that is the mysterious fragment that makes sexual pleasure so startlingly intense for so many people. That is, a good deal of what we experience is beyond the physical dimension of the act.
The urge to satisfy our sexual needs compels us to ask for things that are open to being judged as ridiculous – or even sick.
Hence, the private nature of sex between two consenting adults is consummated in an act so intimate it would be deemed scandalous otherwise.
So, could anything else explain the joy we feel when – where we expect to find rejection – we find instead acceptance, affection, or even reciprocal desire?
Could anything else match the relief we feel when we discover that we are not as repulsive or as ghastly as our imperfect naked bodies might imply?
The joy of sex is at once self-explanatory and self-fulfilling. We do not need to belong to the same race, the same religion, or the same economic bracket to appreciate its pleasures.
We step into the void, shedding clothes as much as we shed shame, to find, at last, the remedy to the loneliness that too often feels eternally unspeakable.
Photo Credits: Wallhere
