If you’re married, living together, or have been dating long enough, chances are you’ve had arguments where you felt on the verge of exploding. You know the kind.
You’re absolutely convinced you’re right, but the other person insists on being a jackass about it.
Words are said, doors are slammed, and there might even be a few dishes broken on the kitchen floor.
Fuming mad, you confront your partner. You are so overcome with emotion you are almost on fire.
But then you stop mid-fight because you realize that – well – you’re extremely turned on.
Why do you get turned on during a heated argument?
Of course, a verbal knife-fight doesn’t always prompt wild, sinfully delicious sex. Sometimes, you’d both rather that the other just take-off than take off items of clothing.
Other times, however, a heated argument can ignite intense sexual passions, too.
Why does this happen? Why does angry, almost obscene make-up sex feel so good, so right? Is there some kinky, deranged, anger fetish going on there?
Unlike a good roll in the hay, emotions aren’t that simple. We are all a complex, often self-contradictory jumble of evolutionary instincts, urges, and egos. But there is method to the madness.
Below are four reasons why some couples sometimes have the best sex when they’re angry.
1. Arguments with your partner can create a strong need for intimacy.
While it might seem insane that you and your partner can go from screaming at each other to wanting screaming orgasms, anger and lust are actually linked.
The results of a 2010 study show that anger often induces a motivation for intimacy, making you want to get closer to the object of your anger.
That’s because lust and anger trigger the release of the same powerhouse hormones: testosterone, adrenalin, and cortisol – the so-called stress hormone.
“When cortisol is released from stress, our bodies and minds may yearn for the closeness that sex provides,” says certified sexologist Jenni Skyler, who is also a relationship therapist at the Intimacy Institute in New York.
2. Sex is a survival response during moments of anxiety.
When you have an intense, angry fight with your partner, you unlock a primal, ancient part of your psyche. Your heart beats faster, your cheeks flush, and you start breathing heavily.
Does that sound familiar to you in any other situation? What else gets you all hot and bothered?
That thunderous, fear-like urgency you feel is something evolution provided so that your ancestors might conquer the lion waiting outside the cave.
Fear creates a sense of abandonment, inadequacy, or both. In certain situations, sex can deliver a reprieve by increasing a sense of safety, says Andrew Aaron, a relationship therapist who runs a practice in New Bedford, Massachusetts.
“Sex after a fight not only provides relief, it also creates excitement, says Aaron. “You go from being threatened to feeling triumphant in overcoming the threat by surviving.”
3. Lust and anger trigger the same need for a physical resolution.
Yes, the link between anxiety and arousal – lust and anger – triggers the same response from the sympathetic nervous system.
Given the rush of excitement and your proximity to a loved one, anger might easily tumble over into sexual arousal, say experts.
“This also sparks your fight or flight response, which fills you full of energy and makes you motivated to want to physically act in some way,” physiology expert Elesa Zehndorfer tells Cosmopolitan.
In other words, your body is primed and roaring for physical action. Given his or her proximity, is there a better candidate than your partner, who is ticking you off?
4. Angry sex is freer and less inhibited.
There is a rational basis to the notion that love can “hurt so good.” That is, the intense emotions and adrenalin that fuel anger also make it easier for both of you to step out of your comfort zones during sex.
“Angry sex permits for the crossing of boundaries, or having different sex than you’re used to,” says psychologist Janet Brito, a therapist with the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu.
In other words, what makes angry sex so wonderfully animalistic is that it is less about romance and more about acting on your desires and urges.
In many cases, angry sex is a departure from the norm. That can be quite exhilarating if you are used to playing things safe in the bedroom.
Why Angry Sex can be Good for Your Relationship
There are many reasons why angry makeup sex is often the best. Makeup sex clears the slate, brings you closer together, and makes you realize where you might improve your relationship.
Sex can diffuse the tension, allowing you a way – an enjoyable one at that – to step back from the situation. The angry, raw passion it injects into the situation can become quite magical, as well.
Sex also causes a surge of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in your brain – all of which are “happy hormones.”
There’s scientific evidence linking oxytocin to improved psychological stability. This is a must if you and your partner want to work things out rationally.
That said, is anybody up for a fight?
What’s your story? Do you agree that angry sex can be great… even the best? Why not share your thoughts by reviewing this article below?
