Most people know that communication is vital to the maintenance of a healthy relationship. But what some might not know is that an open line of communication is also key to having great sex.
“Ongoing communication improves understanding, deepens connection, and leads to hotter sex,” explains sexologist, relationship expert, author, and television personality, Jessica O’ Riley.
Communicating with your partner about sex can – and should – be fun. In fact, discussing sex should be as pleasurable as the act itself. Sadly, though, many see communication of any sort in a relationship as nothing more than a necessary chore. We’re here to tell you that nothing can be further from the truth!
What Sex Questions Should You Ask Your Partner
Sure, we understand that for some, talking about erotica and anything other than vanilla sex with your partner can seem daunting. But talking about sex can actually be a terrific turn on for both of you!
But then, of course, that raises an important question. That is, what sort of questions should you ask your special someone, exactly?
9 Edgy Sex Questions to Ask Your Partner for a Stronger Relationship
Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size fits all answer to this question. Sex is so personal that there are no right or wrong questions to ask. Every relationship is unique, after all.
Still, whether you’re looking to understand the sexual needs of a new partner, or connect more deeply with a current one, a formidable handful of respected sex and relationship experts agree that the nine questions below should at least help you get the ball rolling in the right direction.
1. “Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time? Have you ever had a threesome?”
Obviously, this question can be answered with a “Yes” or a “No.” But a number of relationship experts say it’s never that simple. But asking this question can help you gauge whether your partner (a) has had a threesome; (b) would be interested in having a threesome in the future; and (c) had a poor experience during a threesome.
This, in turn, opens the conversation for some sexy follow-up inquiries. These could include, “How was that threesome initiated?”, “Do you ever fantasize about having a threesome with me?”, or “Do you prefer MMF or FFM or FFF?”
2. “What is your secret erogenous zone apart from your genitals? Would you feel okay about me concentrating more on that part of your body when we have sex?”
“Everyone has weird sexual quirks,” says the author Carlyn Beccia, who writes for medium.com “Maybe she gets aroused by you kissing her neck, or he gets turned on by you rubbing his ear lobes.”
Either way, you should probably ask this question earlier in the relationship. It will be harder for your partner to confess sexual “peculiarities” later in the relationship. “Many of us get embarrassed by our idiosyncrasies,” says Beccia. We couldn’t agree more.
3. “What have been some of your best sexual encounters?”
Now this is admittedly a sensitive topic. The question itself seems rigged to backfire. “This topic may not be for everyone but if you’re comfortable and feel safe talking to your partner about past sexual experiences, this is a great way to learn more about your partner,” says Isolde Sundet, a licensed mental health counselor from New York. “It can also actually be a great turn-on technique before sex.”
Sexual hindsight is clearer than most other memories, and a respectful discussion of past liaisons can lead to greater intimacy, Sundet adds. Why? As you frankly discuss intimate details, consider what it’s like to share something deeply personal – or perhaps even taboo – with someone you love and trust. Then think about how your intimacy can grow exponentially from the experience,” the mental health expert suggests.
“Don’t confuse eroticism for being exclusive to sexuality,” she adds. “For some, eroticism lives in feeling safe, feeling seen, or having an intellectually stimulating conversation with a sexual partner.
4. “What do you enj4. “What do you enjoy about the sexual play that we usually do?”
If you’re asking questions in a certain order with your partner, then the first four questions in this list might have already given rise to some interesting new ideas. The above question serves to remind you both of what already works for each of you.
You might be surprised as to what answers emerge from yourself and from your partner. The simplest thing that you love might come as a shock to your partner. Similarly, they might say something that was completely off of your radar.
These little surprises are what makes sex talk so valuable. You and your partner may have been together for years now. But you won’t know unless you ask.
5. “Is there anything you would like to be doing more of together in our sex life?”
Maybe you used to do something together frequently when you first started dating. But then somehow it fell away from your routine as the months or years rolled by. Maybe you no longer engage in a certain position because one of you felt less confident while you were having sex in that position.
For whatever reason, certain sex habits do fall out of favour over time. Those things often happen without explanation or discussion. But it’s good to talk about them.
6. “Is there any new sex position or adventure you have wanted to try, but aren’t sure if you are allowed to want it?”
For countless unhappy reasons, people tend to associate so much shame to human sexuality. Well-meaning parents, movies, peers, media, and misguided early sex educators left us a lot of baseless beliefs around what is considered “normal” in what we might want when it comes to sex. So, this then becomes the melting ground of shame in the exercise.
But, admit it or not, we all have sexual fantasies. Some we have only while we dream but others are a nagging desire… an itch waiting to be scratched. As long as no-one is hurt by the conversion from fantasy to reality, there is no such thing as a bad or shameful fantasy.
At the same time, be aware that, as often as not, it is the fantasy itself that is exciting, not the realty. For example, your partner may fantasize about a ‘cock in every orifice’ but have no desire to actually experience it. Just being able to whisper that fantasy during love-making could lead to multiple orgasms.
7. “What edgy sex acts would you like to try, if you weren’t afraid to ask? What do you feel you need permission to ask? What sexual acts do want but feel you don’t deserve?”
You’ve likely heard of the term “spoiling sessions.” At the start of a relationship, partners tend to spoil each other with gifts and random kisses. This starts to fade away once couples start to take the relationship for granted. Introduce new spoiling sessions in your relationship. Each partner can have a turn at spoiling the other one.
Spoiling sessions are a perfect example of an intimate exercise in sexual receptivity. However, such exercises can create anxiety for certain people.
It’s not always easy to ask for what we want. But this is both a fun and valuable exercise once we get comfortable discussing sex with our partners.
8. “What’s something really edgy you’ve always wanted to try, but were too afraid to ask me?
“The more forbidden something is, the more likely we are to be turned on by it,” says Stefani Goerlich, a sex therapist from the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program. “Often, people are ashamed of their fantasies, because our fantasies are rarely PC. Asking the question this way gives you insight into your partner’s potentially ‘naughty’ desires while offering them the safety of keeping it firmly in the realm of fantasy.”
However, we here at My Secret Drawer would like to make clear that nothing in sex is “taboo” or off limits. The only rule to which we subscribe is that – whatever your kink –it’s all cool if it gives you pleasure and if it is done consensually.
9. “What type of lingerie would you like me to wear for you when we have sex?”
In times past, this was a question you could only ask if you happen to own a vagina. But – partly thanks to the liberation of gay relationships, ‘jocks’ are slowly giving way to eye-candy underwear for men too!
It’s a simple truth that there is a little voyeur in all of us. And while every man who loves women wants to see his girl naked more than anything else, some beautiful lingerie on the journey to that nakedness is an absolute turn-on.
Ask your partner what turns them on visually – be it a whole lot of hot leather or fur or frilly, ultra-feminine lace. Whatever the preferred flavour, you might be surprised at how good you feel dressing to tease out your partner’s desires.
Do you want great sex? Just ask.
There are always more ways you can learn about your partner, yourself, and the relationship you share. The key is asking the right questions, then listening to the answers without judgment. This is especially true when it comes to sex.
Remember, the fear of being judged can stand in the way of desire. This can, in turn, lead to a sex life that falls far short of what it could be. You can chalk that up to society’s generally puritanical ideas about all things related to sex.
But what most couples truly need is an approachable, constructive way for talking about sexual intimacy. Asking a few well-designed sex questions is an excellent way to solve any sexual problems. After all, only in asking can you understand what your partner really wants and desires.
So go ahead, don’t be bashful. If you want great sex, just ask. We’re sure you’ll end up with a happier – and more satisfying – sex life.
