In the vast assortment of sex research, you’ll find more material devoted to the act itself than to how people think about it when they are alone.
That should surprise you.
We all know that sexual thoughts accompany our sexual behaviors.
When men and women masturbate, they invariably imagine some sort of sexual encounter. Those internal narratives can be quite telling.
“If you look back to, say, Alfred Kinsey, he was focused much more on people’s behaviors rather than their desires,” says Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow of Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. “Same with [William] Masters and [Virginia] Johnson.”
Fortunately, a number of scientists and sex experts have begun to dedicate more time and attention to people’s sexual fantasies in recent years. What they’ve found is a corner of the human imagination rich with meaning and consequence.
What Do Sexual Fantasies Actually Mean?
Sometimes, sexual fantasies can be a little awkward – for example, fantasizing about having sex with someone other than your partner.
That’s probably why people are not always open or willing to share their sexual fantasies.
But what do these fantasies really mean? Do they have any consequences in our daily lives?
While imagining yourself naked with a stranger doesn’t necessarily mean you’re looking to cheat, it does say something about you and your feelings.
“These fantasies can offer a portal into aspects of our non-sexual emotions that we’re trying to reconcile in our day-to-day lives,” says Cyndi Darnell, a clinical sexologist in New York City.
Below are some of the most common sexual fantasies and what they might mean.
1. Being Dominated
Nearly 65 percent of women fantasize about being dominated sexually, according to a survey published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
This fantasy is significantly greater for women than men, on average. One 2009 study notes that socially dominant women particularly enjoyed fantasies of submission.
“BDSM is alluring because one partner relinquishes all sense of control,” says Channa Bromley, a relationship and dating coach.
“They’re submissive to the person touching them, but subconsciously give themselves permission to be wild, to be orgasmic in response -she doesn’t need to hold back.”
Darnell says fantasizing about being dominated doesn’t suggest that you’re weak, or that your partner is in any way superior to you.
“Fantasies involving power play may speak to a desire to gain or relinquish control regarding our private lives, work lives, or role in society,” she says. “Power dynamics in an erotic context create such sensorial arousal.”
2. Group Sex Fantasies
Nearly nine out 10 people fantasize about threesomes and group sex, according to the results of a study led by Lehmiller. Ideally, for most people in relationships, one of the people involved would be their partner.
Psychologists have meanwhile associated frequent group sex and threesome fantasies to a desire to feel sexually competent and irresistible.
“This makes sense because, in group sex scenarios, my participants described themselves as being the center of attention more often than not,” says Lehmiller.
“When you have multiple partners who are fawning over you like this, this is likely to make you feel very attractive and desired.”
That’s probably why many women fantasize about participating in orgies.
Some 57 percent of women actually daydream about having sex with more than three people at a time, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
3. Same Sex Fantasies
But while many women fantasize about group sex and threesomes, even more imagine themselves going doing the deed with another woman.
In fact, Lehmiller’s study found that 59 percent of women fantasize about having sex with other women.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that 59% of women are latent lesbians or even bisexuals.
If you’re a woman and you’ve always been into men, a hot girl-on-girl dream doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly changed your sexual orientation, say the experts.
“Female on female sex focuses on oral and clitoral stimulation, and this is how many women orgasm,” says Bromley.
“A fantasy about another woman could be about the desire to be pleasured in a way that women understand best.”
4. Sex in a Public Place
The adventure of sex in a public or semi-public place has long been a popular fantasy among women.
Some 57 percent of women entertain fantasies about having sex in a public place.
Dark alleys, public bathrooms, and movie theaters are common choices.
“The thrill of getting caught or being on display for any unsuspecting passerby is high on the list of those looking to spice up their bedroom,” says Daniel Saynt, founder of New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a private members club hosting regular workshops and events for safely exploring kink and sexuality.
If you’ve ever had sex at someone else’s house, you’d know why. The thrill of possibly being caught can be quite intoxicating. But some experts say there may be something more to these daydreams.
“There’s a sense of liberation and empowerment in fantasizing about having an audience and the idea that you sexually excite others with your performance and arousal,” says Bromley.
5. Sex with a Stranger
Ever had a sexy stranger show up in your dreams, or perhaps someone you’ve never met in person?
Nearly 50 percent of women report that they fantasize about having sex with a stranger, the survey in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found.
“The anonymous ‘stranger’ fantasy permits people to avoid issues like attachment, intimacy, or jealousy,” says David A. Levy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles.
The impersonal nature of a stranger fantasy may also indicate you’re trying to detach yourself from something that has nothing to do with your relationships. That is, that you simply want to be free.
“Fantasies about sex with strangers may give expression to a desire to be free of pressure, duty, and responsibility to others in our day-to-day lives,” says Darnell.
“Often times, such fantasies are about what that person represents rather than who they are.”
6. Infidelity
You can be perfectly happy with your partner and still find yourself madly excited about the idea of cheating on them. The thrill might come from the danger of being discovered, the novelty of a new sexual connection, or something else entirely.
Fantasizing about someone you know is partly due to the fact that they regularly show up in your real life.
There is also the fact that mystery, curiosity, and imagination are all hallmarks of desire, says Bromley.
However, if you find yourself excited by the idea of having sex with someone you dislike, that might mean something else.
“Fantasies about a person we actively dislike may be a way of coming to terms with the dynamic and taking control of the situation in your mind to make peace with it in the real world,” says Darnell.
7. Rape Fantasies
They are more common than you might think. In some studies, up to two-thirds of female participants have admitted to having rape fantasies.
That’s a startlingly high number. Most of us understand the heinousness, brutality, and monstrous nature of rape. So, why would any sane woman fantasize about it?
To be clear, here is probably where the line between fantasy and reality is thickest. Women who have rape fantasies do not want to be raped any more than people who like the movie “Psycho” want to be butchered by a madman.
Researchers have found that the most common reason many women have rape fantasies is to bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability…
I’m so hot, I drive men crazy.
This means that, for some, the arousal comes with the idea of having control ripped away by a man driven wild by one’s allure.
These fantasies also mean that women who enjoy sex without guilt or shame often feel free to imagine scenarios they’d never want to experience in real life.
“One recent study has shown that the women who reported the most rape fantasies were also the most sexually open and self-accepting,” says Dr Michael Yates, clinical psychologist at the Havelock Clinic.
“These women also had the most consensual sex fantasies.”
“Two Kinds of People”
Sexual fantasies are as normal as sex itself. In fact, one psychiatrist has commented that there are usually four people having sex at the same time. There are the two people occupying space in the bed and the two people they’re imagining.
“People fall into two groups,” says Lehmiller. “Those who have sexual fantasies and those who do not – and those in the second group are likely incredibly rare.”
I’d go one step further and say that the second group are either lying or are in denial! We all fantasize occasionally and some of us fantasize often.
No matter what your fantasy might be, remember that your private thoughts don’t define you. Your fantasy life is your fantasy life, until and unless you choose to make them into more.
Be that as it may, whether your sexual fantasies are tame or wild, they can be a deep – and often necessary – well of joy and excitement.
