Rape fantasies and rape role-playing are among the most controversial – and misunderstood – predilections in the weird, wonderful world of sex fetishes.
So, let’s make one thing clear at the outset: rape is a horrific violation and a deadly serious matter. You should never take it lightly.
We discussed the psychological complexities behind the rape fetish once before. Still, the subject invites so much controversy that one aspect of it is worth reiterating.
Rape fantasies are more common than most people think. Some 62 percent of the women who participated in a 2008 study admitted to having fantasized about being forced to have sex.
In 2018, researchers surveying 4,175 adults in the United States found that two-thirds of the women had rape fantasies.
Having a rape fetish does not make you a ‘mentally-ill sex deviant’, either. In fact, the 2008 study found that the most sexually anxious, repressed, and guilty women had the fewest fantasies.
“For the purpose of sexual well-being, what needs to be understood is that rape fantasy involves consent and that those who are aroused by it do not actually want to be raped,” says David Wahl, Ph.D., a social psychologist and sex researcher.
Many people who report having a rape fetish enjoy a positive sexual attitude and a high level of sexual confidence, Wahl adds.
3 Basic Tips for Safe Rape Role-Playing
Still, if you and your partner want to indulge in a bit of sexy rape role-playing, you should pause to consider a few things. There is a complex structure of social dynamics and personal subtleties behind your planned adventure, after all.
Below are three basic tips you can use as a starting point for further research and discussion on your planned exploration.
1. Consent is everything in any rape role-playing scenario.
The terms “rape fantasies” and “rape role-playing” are misleading. If a woman consents to the sexual behavior, then it’s not rape or forced sex.
The entire arrangement is about the permission of the people concerned, first and foremost. That’s why those who engage in rape role-playing aren’t being raped, and their ‘attackers’ are not really guilty of sexual assault.
To fully establish consent, you and your partner must determine what the boundaries are before any role-playing begins. “If those boundaries are not set, then neither is consent,” says Wahl.
There is much to consider when planning the dynamics of consent in a rape role-playing agreement. That is primarily because rape fantasies exist with varying degrees of force.
You and your partner need to address a wide range of dimensions, undercurrents, and intricacies. In its mildest forms, your role-playing might simply revolve around the element of surprise.
For example, you might allow your partner to ‘jump’ you from behind the door of your darkened bedroom when you get home from work.
In more extreme cases, some women enjoy being forced to engage in sexual acts they wouldn’t perform under other circumstances.
So, what forms of penetration are fair game? Is biting allowed? How much physical pain is your partner willing to inflict on you? Everything – and we mean everything – should be laid out on the table before you begin.
2. Always focus on each other’s safety and comfort.
When discussing rape role-playing with your partner, allow space to talk about each other’s fears. You and your partner should confer on what kinds of assurances you would need to know that you are safe.
“Planning is valuable – especially planning for what might go wrong,” says Pete Riggs, BDSM educator and author of Rope Bondage the Smart Way. “I’ve always thought that, and I’ve had that belief reaffirmed recently, both through my own mishaps and the mishaps of other people.”
As you can imagine, it’s quite easy for things to get out of hand in any given role-playing scenario.
That’s why you must establish a safe word that when used while acting out of the fantasy, would indicate a mandatory need to stop. When choosing a safe word, it is best to not use “No” or “Stop.” Uttering these words may be part of your role-playing construct, after all.
3. Strip your role-playing of any kind of shame and stigma.
Sexual pleasure and shame are two inseparable elements of rape fantasies. While you might want to go beyond the limits together, you must accept your kinky selves before going any further.
Some will stigmatize and shame anyone with a rape fetish. Those who do not find arousal in this kind of sexual desire often cannot understand why others like it.
Unfortunately, many people are either angered or afraid of things that they do not understand. Some act on these feelings. Because they cannot comprehend a particular desire, they will shame anyone who is.
So, among the most important steps to enjoying rape role-playing safely is realizing that any concept of “normal” is limiting. It can hold us back from experiencing what many healthy people enjoy in private, anyway.
If you are both determined to indulge in your rape fantasies, you and your partner should strip your minds of shame. Forget about the stigma that others have chosen to attach to your particular sex fetish.
“Create a safe space where you both can share ‘abnormal’ fantasies,” says Nataly Urbaez, a writer and sex researcher for Medium.
The Difference Between a Fantasy and a Wish
There was a time when psychologists believed that dreams, fantasies, and daydreams were subconscious wishes. Women who had rape fantasies therefore secretly wanted to be coerced into sex.
Modern psychology and science have long since thoroughly discredited that notion. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect wishes. Today, some experts claim that some women fantasize about rape simply because it bolsters their feelings of seductiveness and desirability.
“Women who have rape fantasies do not want to be sexually assaulted,” Michael Castleman, author of Sizzling Sex for Life, wrote in an article for Psychology Today. “Rather, they feel comfortable with their own sexuality.”
In our opinion, nothing can be healthier and more natural.
What do you think? Do you have rape fantasies? Does the idea of being pinned down and ravished against your will turn you on? Have you ever indulged in rape role-playing?
